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See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

Sounds perfect Wahhhh, I don’t wanna
akindplace
viablemess

Hey you. You know you should be doing The Thing. I don't want to do The Thing, either. But we can sit down and do it for 2 minutes together. Then we can do it for 5 minutes. Then 10. And so on and so forth until it is done. I'll be coming back to reiterate this.

To whoever needs to hear it: it does not have to be perfect. It does not have to be world altering. It just needs to be done. And I'll sit with you while you do The Thing.

Now go. Stop scrolling. Go work on The Thing. I'll be back to check on you and cheer us both on.

one of my braincells finds this tempting all other braincells are declaring war on that one
granulesofsand
granulesofsand

Cyclical Systems

This will mention RAMCOA, trauma, and trauma responses. All are fairly light and have no explicit details.

Traumaversaries

The traumaversary effect is possible in any kind of system— a trigger stemming from years of reoccurring trauma on a particular date or other predetermined cycle (moon phases, spring break, holidays).

While RAMCOA isn’t the only cause of anniversary reactions, survivors of this type of abuse frequently discover them internally.

The first layer is derived from PTSD, and applies to singlets as well as systems. These periods are marked by emotional and sometimes physical discomfort, flashbacks in several forms, and heightened trauma responses during the given frame.

The second is how this interacts with CDDs. Alters split during the trigger time may be more active at front and in the system at large, as well as alters who formed afterwards for the same purpose. Groups become more visible as their event nears and passes, which can present as full cyclical rotations.

Rotational Groups

Alter groups also sometimes occupy their own space in the internal world, and often have lower amnesia barriers between each other than the rest of the system. Lower amnesia doesn’t necessarily mean low amnesia, but particularly high barriers elsewhere can make minimal communication better than normal.

Some systems have internal structures that create the rotations, often visualized as compartments or a wheel. Others have hidden crannies where groups are kept separate. This is particularly true of RAMCOA systems who have high degrees of enforced complexity and whose abusers have reason to maintain secrecy.

Other regular shifts can be seasonal (for trauma or comfort or something else entirely), social (responsibilities and relational roles), daily (morning prep, work/school, evening relaxation, bedtime), etc.

Polyfrag systems or those with high headcounts tend to fall into these rotations more easily, but any level of dissociation or number of alters can have them. Off-cycle system mates may fade into the background or go temporarily dormant. All of that is fine and normal unless the system desires change.

Possible Changes

Breaking rotations is different depending on the cycle and reasons it exists at all. Trauma has to be worked through if present. Deprogramming may need to take place if externally placed. Some systems can just agree to move their schedules around and be done with it.

Electing or contacting a leader/representative is a good first step. The process to getting there takes care of technicalities like communication within and outside the group. Improving living conditions if there are issues, prioritizing safety and security over results.

Making cyclical groups healthy is another process. Again, deprogramming if MC is a factor. Always trauma work. The distinction is that they are groups, and have to work as their own system before they are expected to flow with other system members.

Adjustments can be made to make shifts more flexible and incorporate more/different alters to help. This is another step which may not be needed for the system, but can help loosen routines and help the end goal of having everyone well and working together.

Both goals have similar components, and the methods are more alike than not. The individualization is what makes them unique. It’s a process, and it might take a long time to work out.

Basically, trauma sucks and your system might be moving on purpose. Decide if you have these grouping and make changes accordingly.

did osdd dissociative identity disorder ramcoa cptsd
unwelcome-ozian

Anonymous asked:

Hello. I have a question that is very embarrassing for me to ask, since it deals with masturbation. I compulsively masturbate when I’m triggered or have memories/fragments of my early sexual abuse coming up. I don’t want to, I try to distract myself but I end up doing it anyway and feeling very horrible and ashamed afterwards or dissociate very badly. I was wondering if this is a more common thing than I might think and - if you feel this is something you can even answer - if you think it would be an okay thing to discuss in therapy. I trust my therapist wholeheartedly and know she is extremely skilled but am still scared to be shamed or that she might think I’m disgusting. I really want to get this to stop but I don’t know how. Sometimes it even feels like it’s the only thing saving me from all these thoughts and feelings surrounding my abuse, because I allow the situation to happen again. I hope this question isn’t too much, but my feeling is that on this blog the very ugly and shameful parts of trauma can be discussed. Thank you for your work here either way, even if this question won’t be answered!

unwelcome-ozian answered:

t.w.

Hello.  I understand the sense of embarrassment regarding the topic, not that the action of masturbation is actually a bad or shameful thing.  

 A trauma-informed therapist would understand masturbation to be a self-soothing/coping behavior and not an action that is disgusting or shameful.  Because of the chemical released in the brain through the action, the compulsion would naturally be great and difficult to stop, until your brain is able to be re-wired to find other pathways for bringing relief to the feelings and needs that are driving the behavior that your brain to which your brain has become addicted.  According to Psycology Today

Keep reading

csa that was helpful to read thank you

me as a kid: drowning in dread, doesn’t expect to survive for long, struggles with feeling unwanted and a burden every day, fears every new experience, doesn’t see hope, struggles just to keep head over the water, doesn’t know what to do to not be hated so badly anymore, falls into disordered eating and develops panic attacks

my parents: What a spoiled, disgusting selfish brat! Only takes and never gives back! Needs a good beating that one! We should have been harsher and beat them more when they were little! They don’t even deserve to eat or sleep under our roof, the stupid waste of space, they’re only thinking of themselves and never how to make our lives easier.

me, as a kid: I’m sure,,,, they meant well,,,,

wake up child me there's a connection to be made in there abusive parents abused child child abuse traumatic childhood psychological abuse parents bringing children to a suicidal state and then still abusing the child more child neglect dangerous parents no empathy for the child no love for the child
furiousgoldfish
furiousgoldfish

things abuse survivors think/say

  • maybe my trauma wasn’t bad enough
  • maybe what happened was just my fault??
  • but what if I can’t hold that person accountable? what if they meant well
  • what if I don’t have the right to be angry?
  • but what if they didn’t know they were hurting me? maybe its my fault for not saying it
  • it’s my fault, i’ve always been hiding how badly things hurt me
  • i’m just weak and pathetic and everything hurts me it’s not their fault i’m like this
  • hey this this thing actually happen or did i make that up
  • if i ask abuser they’ll tell me i made it up that must be true they do say i’m delusional
  • maybe if I’ve done something differently this wouldn’t have happened
  • guilt guilt guilt guilt
  • what if abuser is right tho? what if they’re telling the truth and it’s okay to tell it in insults then?
  • i’m garbage, i knew it
  • yeah everyone deserves compassion and comfort but me? no.
  • I am the sole person who is just bad enough to deserve everything that has happened to me
  • no this person didn’t mean to hurt my feelings i’m just too sensitive!!!
  • maybe someone else wouldn’t be hurt by this, this means its my fault
  • i hate myself
  • how long until everyone realizes i’m just a fake and there’s nothing valuable inside of me
  • yeah they like me now but i’m going to fuck it up and they’ll hate me like everyone else
  • was that abuse? no it can’t be. its my fault. if I wasn’t the way I am it wouldn’t have happened
  • everything people do to me is just what I deserved
  • what this person is doing bothers me so I have to try harder not to be bothered by it
  • this person is wrong but everyone believes them so it must be okay
  • yeah they hate me but i don’t want them to leave me maybe i can get them to hate me less
  • yeah this person is hurting me but i still need them in my life maybe if i change myself
  • it doesn’t matter if they hurt me, i’m used to it
  • what if everyone abandons me and I die alone
  • this person scares me but I can’t let that affect me
  • I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I need to get over my feelings
  • I can’t let anyone notice how I feel or they will hate me
  • how does everyone just stay calm? why can’t I do that
  • I’m a burden on everyone, I bet they’d all be happier if I wasn’t there
  • if I disappeared right now wouldn’t everything be better?

*these are not truths, this is after-effect of long term abuse

elevadidpost
furiousgoldfish

People will always tell trauma victims to 'work on themselves' but what really needs to be worked on is:

  • being extremely protected and safe from abuse
  • judging people more
  • getting angry at people more
  • holding people accountable when they do inconsiderate shit to us
  • being more suspicious of other's intentions
  • putting ourselves at the same level at others and not idolizing or inftantilizing people we care about
  • no longer making excuses for people who are doing shit that hurts us
  • having someone to advocate for us when we're triggered and unable to do shit about about it
  • giving ourselves a fucking break
  • experiencing gentleness and human contact to the measure that we're no longer starving for breadcumbs
  • having more control over our life
  • doing whatever we want without any guilt or shame
  • having actual leverage over people who are ready to blackmail us
  • getting people to back the fuck off
  • getting people to stop telling us what to do
  • being aware that our life and choices are none of anyone's business and stop taking ignorant and stupid inputs
  • telling people off
  • no longer worrying about everyone else's comfort in a situation where nobody would even think of ours
  • no longer feeling guilty for being tired, traumatized, hurt and pessimistic
  • being ready to fight anyone who makes us feel like shit
  • stop imagining that us feeling like shit is just 'normal' or 'necessary' because no sane person would accept this
  • hating our abusers with our entire guts and blaming them for every second of what they did to us
elevadidpost

Sorry but I’ve never seen the word on the 6th point “inftantilizing” can someone please point me to how to read this. Maybe I’m just not in an INFT personality fandom. But can this be cleared up

furiousgoldfish

Hey, I actually did not use this word correctly, the definition of 'infantalization’ is 'treating an adult like a child’. Meaning that you treat an adult or grown person as if they immature and incapable of much, stripping them out of their agency and assuming they can’t think for themselves. It can harm someone’s self-image to be undermined and treated as if they’re not intelligent and capable, or it can allow this person to get away with a crimes since you assume they don’t know what they’re doing.

But that’s not what I was trying to describe here.

What I actually meant doesn’t have a good definition, and I used this because it felt like the closest one; I was trying to describe the phenomena of abuse victims always making allowances and assuming a person who is constantly hurting them is only doing it because they 'don’t know any better’ and 'don’t do it on purpose’ or 'don’t realize they’re doing it’. This is often seen in people who do not want to believe their parents, friends, partners and peers are abusive, they’ll assume these people are simply not mature enough to realize they’re causing any damage.

For instance, if someone is constantly insulting you but claim it was 'a joke’, if they keep talking for you, threaten you, walk all over your boundaries, refuse to consider what you want or need in a situation where it’s relevant, insist they’re doing everything for your well being, and somehow 'accidentally’ break promises and forget all about you when it matters, and your reaction to it is 'oh, they’re just not realizing that they’re causing harm’, you’re basically telling yourself that this person has the emotional maturity of a toddler.

That’s how a lot of completely adult, completely mature people, who know damn well when they’re being disrespectful and hurtful, get away with abuse. You can be sure they know because they somehow never do it to people with authority over them, they never do it to someone they’re trying to impress, they don’t do it to their boss, to people who could retaliate, to people with equal or bigger social power. They only do it to those who can’t fight back, who are powerless to do anything about it.

I don’t know if there’s a specific name for it, it can be a part of idolization, to assume a person always means well even when they’re doing anything but, and to assume they just haven’t developed emotionally enough to be kind and non-abusive.

clarifications your abusers aren't stupid they know what they did
furiousgoldfish
furiousgoldfish

You can be groomed for more than just sexual exploitation. You can be groomed into becoming someone’s caretaker, someone’s perfect fantasy, someone’s illusion of a partner they want. You can be groomed into being someone’s experiment or a toy. You can be groomed into believing you owe someone to take advantage of you thousand times. You can be groomed into giving all your resources and labour away. You can be groomed into rejecting your own humanity and offering yourself up as a servant or a resource to someone. Grooming can overtake any and all parts of your life.

furiousgoldfish
furiousgoldfish

Today I’m going to talk about the opposite of child abuse, because you all need some proper references to compare your lives to.

First thing that made me realize how upside down my life was, was a friend, who had an abusive father, but good mother. And you see, because the mother was good, she realized when her kids were still small, that he’s abusive, that the kids would get hurt, and she moved the hell away from him and got a divorce. She was poor, she didn’t have many resources, and she had to work very hard to survive, and managed to get the abuser to pay alimony. My friend grew up surrounded by love and support, with high self-confidence, high social abilities, complete belief in their  worth and lacking nothing. And then one day the abusive father was angry at the mom, and tried to take it out on my friend, my friend got a call filled with insults and threats. It was scary and my friend got upset, I tried to comfort them but I really didn’t have good words to say. They later called their mom, and this is what the mother said:

“You are a perfect person, if anyone is talking to you like this, you can walk away.”

I remember just feeling complete awe hearing this, told from a mom, to a child. It even cheered me up. Those are the words we should have been getting from our parents. This is the correct attitude.

This other example is something that made me cry, and everyone else I’ve told this story. It’s from a woman on youtube, who has a farm, and it was her dream her whole life to have a farm, and she also has kids. This year, she entered a competition in growing tomatoes, she grew a special tomato plant, and the competition was about who manages to grow the most tomatoes, biggest tomato, and so on. She usually lets her kids play in the garden, but she explained to all of them that they’re not allowed to touch the special competition plant, or harvest the tomatoes.

However, her youngest son, aged maybe 5 or 6, took the biggest tomato off, before it even started ripening. She made a video explaining about what happened, and then she smiled and talked about how she cares about her farm, and her competition a lot, but not even close to how much she cares about her children feeling happy and safe in the garden. She said, even though she warned the kids to not touch the plant, it’s kind of hard to remember for a child which plant is what, and that in long term, competition doesn’t really matter as much as happiness of her children. She even mentioned how she makes mistakes in the garden too, and forgives herself right away, and her children deserve the same forgiveness. And then, her son, laughing, runs up to her, and realizes she’s making a video on tomato he tore off, and he says with a grin “I’m sorry” and she replies, with warmth and affection in her voice: “I forgive you, my darling.”

If you’re, crying, it’s okay, I’m crying too. So here, some standards. Something to compare your parents to. If these people could have done this, your parents could have done it too. You deserved this kind of gentleness and kindness too.

furiousgoldfish
furiousgoldfish

Dismantling the Lies of Abusive Parents Masterlist

Resources

Physical abuse

Blatant Lies

Psychological abuse

If this hits home, also read Recognizing Abuse Masterlist

furiousgoldfish
furiousgoldfish

abusive parents will go off about how expensive it is to keep you around and how they have no money and what a fucking burden you are and they don’t see the irony?

dude. you MADE me. what the fuck were you thinking. stupid idiot loser. go back to that moment and don’t have sex. problem fucking solved. what the fuck do you expect me to do, die now that you decided having kids is inconvenient? wow. maybe you should have thought this thru.